Why I don’t want to be William Ruto

So the Finance thing eventually went through. The Hustler man signed it into law and Bwana Omutatah of Busia took a beeline to court, kupinga. And our man, Orende of Emanyulia, is now born again. The Wajackoya man called Orende, did not know left or right on the puzzle called the Finance Bill. Yet, he is now the local expert on the matter, in this land where wisdom flows like a river. They say here that all you need to do, is to take a chilly morning bath in the river called Olubaale, and presto!
 
The people of this Emanyulia say that they are more learned than all university professors rolled into one because of this stream. They say that they are Namukunda, the learned ones. And Orende is our captain of learning and knowledge. Someday, I will tell you about the origins of these names Namukunda and Olubaale. Of course they come from Bananaland, huko Uganda. But if you know a thing or two about the famous Lubaale Cult and the Kabaka, then you are on the way.
 
And so Orende goes to the River Olubaale, which is just a small stream, the baby of a river, in fact. He comes back glowing and flowing with wisdom, courtesy of spiritual inspiration that extends beyond his regular big books, and beyond the Wajackoya cigarettes that he takes for breakfast. We are assembled in the big Liyembekho of Emanyulia, which is right in Orende’s great grandfather’s shamba. There are all manner of scary traditional paraphernalia in this place.
 
‘Do not be afraid, because of this place, and these hustler things that the big hustler in Nairobi is doing,’ the Wajackoya man opens, ‘They are passing things, but they are also necessary. That is why you should not worry so much about this money thing that will come to pass.
 
‘You, see,’ he carries on, dragging hard on the stump in his hand, his eyes now huge and red, ‘Our commonwealth is truly in a bad place. Worse than ever. We are hungry most of the time, like the animals Mister George Orwell was telling us about, long ago. Our lives are laborious, with little to show for all our labour. We feel all the time, like another man called Mosese wa Francis Imbuga. Remember him who said that it was better while we waited for this hustler thing, because we lived on hope? Now, it appears, there is nothing to hope for, except more tax, maandamano and maneno.
 
‘But what did we expect? Our commonwealth has been raided and harassed for sixty years-plus. Each time the new sheriffs arrive, they have sharpened their teeth like rodents. They try biting anything and everything in sight. They even try eating the metallic objects in the place. They arrive not to work, but to bark and eat. That was why the sheriffs who arrived in the Big House on the Hill with Mzee Mwai son of Kibaki were saying, “It is our turn to eat.”’
 
‘If we don’t move away from this “turn to eat” thing, it will finish us. It will eat us all up, instead. The hustler man must kill this “turn to eat” thing before it eats up everything and everyone. This thing eats up all the food, the plates and cutlery, the tables and the waiters. It even eats up the cooking place and the fire. When it is done with us, there will be nothing, not even the fire for cooking the next cost of living – which is to say for cooking ugali.”
 
We were looking at the thin man, perplexed, wondering what got into his head this time. ‘Can’t you see we are hungry, Prof. Orende?’ Alubiri son of Umurumba said, ‘Can’t you see the people are suffering, everywhere? Instead of providing something to eat, the hustler man just smiles and says things like, ‘Watu walipe tax. Oh, housing. Oh, jobs, jobs. Oh, sijui, oh.’
 
The Olubaale spirits have told Orende that there is a price to everything. ‘The governors are asking for money, au wafunge county government. The teachers are saying schools hazina pesa. The doctors are saying pesa pap! Even the wizara za serikali are asking for money. They say that they cannot pay mshahara on time. Some MPs are threatening with maandamano because hakuna barabara. So where should this money come from?’
 
Even. Agwambo’s MPs are going out to do more maandamano against the hustler. When they are satisfied with a good maandamano job –  well done – they will rush to the bank, to see if their salary has come in. If it is not there, they say, they will do another maandamano, this time because of delayed salaries.  Hospitals want dawa. If dawa is not there, even patients will take time out of hospital beds, to do maandamano.
 
Newspapers also want malipo ya matangazo ya serikali. After saying things like, ‘overburdened tax payer,’ they say, ‘Eh, Owalo, wapi pesa ya matangazo ya serikali?’ Owalo is that digital man, the one with all the Government matangazo and money for matangazo. After watu wa gazeti have done a good protest against taxation, they look Bwana Owalo in the eye and say, ‘You are really delaying with our cash. Our people are dying, Bwana Waziri. We are now rubbing our employees. We are going to rub more people, if you don’t pay us.’
 
Orende has been wondering about these things that he calls ‘contradictions.’ Contradictions? Now that is a good word. Like kwashiorkor! He is even saying that here in Emanyulia when a woman gives birth, she is allowed time to conceive and nurse the conception to maturity. ‘So you, Alubiri son of Omurumba, when a brand new bride comes home, do you expect a brand new baby the next morning, unless there have been some manenos that we don’t understand?
 
‘Do you go to listen at the door, to hear if there is a brand new baby crying behind that door, because a new wife was married yesterday? Come on good people,’ the drinker of cigarettes (as we call him) was saying, ‘There must be time to plough that garden, to sow the seed, to irrigate, and to watch as it matures into a half moon. You don’t just scream around with a sufuria on your head, “Baby, Baby.” Oh, ugali, ugali. The garden must be plowed before it can crop!’
 
And I, Joseph the dreamer of dreams, I am just wondering what it must be like to be the hustler man. Yaani the man who is told, ‘We want money. But he is also told, please stop borrowing! Stop taxing us! But please, please, bring money!’ Eh, me, Joe son of Emanyulia, I don’t want to be the hustler in the Big Hustler House on the Hill. Ah, ah! Let me just continue being raia wa kawaida, waiting for Agwambo’s maandamano to end so that I can go out to forage. Let Bwana Ruto continue being the man, to crack the formula for bringing money to make everyone happy without borrowing or taxation. Eh, Bwana President! Eh! Sasa Omutatah of Busia has taken you to court? Eh? Sasa itakuwa aje?
 
 

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